I have a secret, I was over 40 pounds heavier than I am right now from just 2 years ago and I was a mess.  I also have about the same amount to lose still.  The first 20 pounds I lost because I had significant anxiety and couldn't eat because I  decided to leave my husband.  I was so overwhelmed by the emotions, it crippled me.  The emotions ranged from anger, to sadness, to happiness back to sadness, back to anger.  I was all over the map.  I couldn't sleep at night, I would fall into bed exhausted and instantly fall sleep for 2 hours only to wake up and be awake in bed staring at the ceiling for the rest of the night.  For me, divorce meant failure.  I don't like to fail.

My journey is probably not unique for others going through divorce or other difficult situations in their life but for me, it was unbelievable.  I am not weak, I always thought I was a strong, independent woman.  But over about 6-8 months, I will say it again...I was a mess.  The least little thing would send into an anxiety attack.  I spent one night standing in my closet talking to my cousin on the phone because the anxiety was so incredibly bad.

I had to find a solution for me.  It was imperative, the sleep deprivation was affecting me in so many ways.  I was constantly tired.  I couldn't concentrate at work much less at home.  I became a couch potato.  I didn't want to be around people.

I have always been an avid reader and I have read tons of self help books so I started reading again.  That started to help me focus.  But one book I read, made me stumble onto the positive affects of meditation.  So I decided to try meditation. How does one do meditation?  Argh.  You sit and don't think. So I sat on the couch and tried not to think.  Uh yeah that isn't easy, the number of thoughts that went through my head was unbelievable.  I gave up that day.  So I did some research on line and found some YouTube chants, such as So Hum.  There are some that have multiple words but I needed something simple.  So Hum spoke to me.  It means "I am".  So then I would listen to So Hum on YouTube and that helped me calm my brain down, then I would do it in bed at night.  It would help me fall asleep.  After stressful situations related to the divorce, I would come home and meditate to So Hum, I could do it without playing it in the background.  It really calmed my nerves and agitation.  I starting walking and meditating as I walked.  I found some Deepak Chopra affirmations, I would listen to those in the car or as I was walking or in bed.  I would take a lunch break at the office and sit in an empty cubicle and do affirmations or do So Hum meditation.  I started doing chakra meditation.

I believe meditation saved me, it helped me to learn to manage my anxiety.  I very seldom get it now.  I am not as dedicated as I was to meditation 2 years ago, but I know it helps me tremendously.  So one of the things I want to start doing again is to get back into the routine of meditating.

So this story is to be continued.... more to come tomorrow on the weight loss story.  More to come on my story......